The Style Invitational Week 963 The overlap dance
By Pat Myers,
Elton John Wayne: Star of “The Queen
Berets.” (Bob Staake)
Roseanne Boleyn: Queen who kept talking
after being beheaded. (David Genser)
Tom Daschle Hammett: Author of “The
Maltese Donkey.” (Stephen Dudzik)
If you’re a fan of “Wheel of
Fortune” or “Jeopardy!” you know this construction as Before & After — it’s
a portmanteau combining two names that have a common element. And if you’re a
pathetically obsessed Invitational fan, you’ll remember the second and third
examples above Week 287, in 1998 (though you don’t have to have much memory to
be familiar with their writers — they’re still household names in the Invite).
This week: Send us a Before & After “person” whose name combines two people’s
names, real or fictional (okay, you can use animals’ names, too), and describe
the person in a funny way. The central element doesn’t have to be spelled
exactly right in both names if the entry is otherwise fabulous (see the third
example above; the author’s name is Dashiell). But both people’s names have to
be present in the combination, even if misspelled.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the actual Wonder
Woman get-up worn in the 2007 film “Loveless in Los Angeles,” in which a
struggling actress wears the costume on Hollywood Boulevard; a documentary on
such people, “The Ambassadors of Hollywood” (also by Archie Gips, brother of
Loser Mike Gips), screens at the Avalon in Northwest Washington on Sunday
night.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a
tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 26;
results published April 15 (online April 13). No more than 25 entries per
entrant per week. Include “Week 963” in your e-mail subject line or it might be
ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with
your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by
Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Judy
Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 959, in which we asked you to move a TV program from one network to
another and describe the result:
The winner of the Inker
“The Amazing Race” moves to
Fox News and becomes a show that chronicles the many adversities white people
have overcome throughout history. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.)
2. Winner of the book “Whose
Hair,” in which you guess same from pictures of faceless heads: If the Daytona
500 were on the Home Shopping Network, the race would be run in four easy
monthly portions of 125 miles each. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
3. Wizards games move to
Comedy Central: Home games would now be filmed in front of a live audience.
(Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)
4. “Antiques Roadshow” moves
to MTV: The appraisers inspect relics from the 1990s. (Michael Weiner, North
Potomac, Md., a First Offender)
Ouch potatoes: Honorable mentions
“The Colbert Report” to Fox
News: The audience doesn’t laugh anymore. (David Genser, Poway Calif.; Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
“Mighty Morphin Power
Rangers” moves to ESPN: A Texas baseball team uses a special serum and doubles
its home run total. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.)
“Mad Men” moves to HBO: Admen
go crazy when they discover they are on a network without commercials. (Mike
Ostapiej, on travel in Doha, Qatar)
If “Toddlers and Tiaras” were
on the Playboy Channel, it would be a training video. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria,
Va.)
“Miss World” moves
to Al-Jazeera English, which airs the first televised Burqini competition.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
“Flip This House” moves to
MSNBC: Starring Nancy Pelosi, with John Boehner in a supporting role. Already
scheduled to premiere Nov. 6. (David Genser)
Move “Iron Chef” to Oxygen.
Same as the old show, but the chef is a bit rusty. (Dion Black, Washington)
“Deadwood” moves to CBS: “A
[BLEEP] you [BLEEP] [BLEEP] the [BLEEP] my [BLEEP]. . .” (Mark
Young, New York)
“Downton Abbey” moves to the
CW and the undead heir Patrick Crawley returns to battle Lady Sybil’s vampire
baby. (Kevin Dopart)
“Downton Abbey” moves to UFC
channel Fuel: Heir apparent Matthew “The Mauler” Crawley takes on ruthless
newsman Richard “Killer” Carlisle in a no-holds-barred bout to see who will win
the beautiful Mary, while noble valet John “Bonecrusher” Bates uses his gimpy
leg for a surprising roundhouse kick against creepy footman Thomas. (Megan
Durham, Reston, Va.)
“Monday Night Football” moves
to CBN: The Broncos are playing again? (David Koronet, Mount Airy, Md., a First
Offender)
C-SPAN congressional coverage
moves to the Home Shopping Network: Lobbyists may now inspect and purchase
politicians at fabulous savings without leaving home. (Robert Schechter, Dix
Hills, N.Y.)
“Sister Wives” moves to the
USA Network: The blond wives are being murdered. Nobody knows that the killer
is the brunette wife except anyone who has ever watched TV. (Amanda Yanovitch,
Midlothian, Va.)
“The Sopranos” moves to the
Game Show Network: Tony and the gang are unbeatable on “Family Feud,” with
terrible things happening to their opponents each week. (Robert Schechter)
“The Dukes of Hazzard” moves
to Lifetime: The General Lee is replaced by a Prius, and Bo and Luke become
chiseled, sensitive veterinarians who help Daisy battle corrupt fashion
designer Embossed Hog. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
“The Biggest Loser” on Animal
Planet: Tragedy ensues when the carnivore contestants fail to understand that
“vegetarian diet” does not include the herbivore contestants. (Jerry Birchmore,
Springfield, Va.)
Move “The Big Bang Theory” to
CBN and rename it “The Big Bang Only-a-Theory.” (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.; Barr
Weiner, Washington)
Porn on Home Shopping
Network: “Remember, men, only the first 100 purchasers will appear in the Jenna
Jameson video . . .” (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Next week: Raving
Reviews, or Product
Endorkments